Who Am I?

Psalm 139:14 (New International Version)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Matthew 10:30 (New International Version)
30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Clearly, God knows me and knows me well! How can He know me so well and I don't even know myself? Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, friend, prayer partner, employee? Is this how I am seen to people, or maybe it could be character and personality traits that defines me? Aggressive, loyal, kind, perfectionist, timid in a large crowd, hard worker? Well, to be totally honest, I'm God's creation. If God didn't think I should be here, I wouldn't be. God certainly knew me in my mother's womb and even knows the number of hairs on my head (even knows when I'm losing many strands each washing).

It is hard to know who I am. I've done so much changing over the years that I have actually lost myself. Plus I try to fit a "mold" that isn't Godly, but secular. I want to be skinny, tall, beautiful, happy, rich (actually just comfortable), I want what so and so has and to look like so and so, have my faith be like so and so's, I want to look like so and so, I want to live in a house like so and so's. The list can go on and it is very depressing if I dwell on it too much.

Growing up I never felt "good enough". I was a difficult child in that I was strong willed and just didn't fit the "idea" of other girls. I never truly felt happy and loved, even though my parents did love me. It was "something" missing. I talked back to my mother, rebelled in the worst of ways (no, mom and dad, I never did drugs or drink). It seemed that I always needed a male in my life. I guess I thought that defined me. With that being said, I was always with a "boyfriend" and didn't like it when I didn't have one. Although I wasn't into drugs and drinking, I was sexual by 15 (sorry mom, but you knew this deep down). I thought that connection would make me feel complete and loved. Trust me, it didn't feel that void I had and I had many heartaches.

I even married at young age. Still in high school. Yes, I did love this young man and he was wha was considered a "bad boy". I fell hard for him and loved him. Loving someone as your first true love is wonderful and difficult at the same time. Especially if your parent's don't like him. to this day I still have a part of my heart that remembers that time in my life. It ultimately helped define part of my character. Unfortunately, that marriage didn't last a year and it became abusive. Verbally and physically. Do I blame him? No, not entirely. Remember earlier I said I was a rebellious child, well being strong-willed goes right along with that. We just rubbed each other in a bad way. No, I don't think any woman (or man) should be exposed to physical or verbal abuse, but it happens. We can allow it to destroy us or define us. I chose to allow it to define me. That was a very dark time in my life where I even contemplated suicide. The problem with that was I was "scared" to go through with anything. Ultimately, it was God the entire time and I didn't even realize this. It was a dark time, but at the same time, God wasn't ready for a strong willed and rebellious young woman in heaven! He had enough trouble with me on earth and didn't need anyone disrupting heaven! I eventually called my dad and mom to come get me and filed for divorce. Talk about experiencing life! Was it part of my life worth it? Yes, it was. Do I regret being involved with this young man, no, I don't. What I regret is what eventually happened to us. The violence (not as bad as many women experience) is what I regretted. Now I will say that I did hit back many times, but still, that is no life to live. Yes, this helped define who I am and has given me a different outlook on life.

Now, I am married (been married for 20 years) and I have a 17 (almost 18) year old son. Does my marriage define me? Yes, it does. I'm the wife of David. What does that mean? I have no clue! I've changed dramatically since we first got married and with that being said, it has caused a chasim between us. My morals and values are the same, but I'm not. I've had to step up and become head of the household. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand, David has many wonderful qualities. Being a take charge person and willing to make decisions isn't one of them. He is faithful, caring and does work! The thing is that I'm not sure who I am anymore. I'm not the young bride of 20 years ago. I'm a woman that will be 43 this year and still have so many doubts of who I am. David is a wonderful man and I do love him, but he also is someone that can't accept things as is. With that being said, yes I think we should strive for more and always do our best, but at the same time, I'm happy with simple things. Example would be that when it comes to gift giving, David gives gifts he likes and not gifts I would like. I recently asked him to get me a Carolina tag for my car. He called me Friday and asked me what kind. I decided on a pink tag that was simple. It had Carolina Girl written on it and that was all. Well, that apparently wasn't good enough for him because he purchased a Ram sticker to attach to it. This man doesn't pull for Carolina, he pulls for State, but yet he couldn't accept what I wanted. He had to add his own to it. That is fine, but not what I wanted. This being said, this has affected how I see myself. I don't ever feel good enough, because simple isnt' good enough for David. I have enough issues as it is without not feeling "good enough" or "beautiful enough". Does this define who I am. Yes, it does. It makes me realize I'm okay with simple. Nothing complicated, just easy and nice. Do I need diamonds and a huge house, no! I love just a simple wedding band and small home. Fancy car? No! I drove a Ford Wagon forever and then finally got a Honda, which I love, but it is just a simple car. I don't like being the center of attention like David does. He always directs conversations back to him and he will ask a million questions. Me, I don't want to be center of attention and I will ask just basic questions. Just enough to find out what I need to know or would like to know. Yes, simply living and simple things is good enough for me.

Work! Yes this has defined me. I give 100% and always try to make things easier for those around me. Yes, I can be anal and I like things done right. Now, I make mistakes. I learn from them and actually admit to them. That is rare now! God has been gracious enough to place me in work situations where I am constantly learning and evolving as a person. Will I always be anal? Yes, that is etched in my mold!

Who am I? After all of this, I dont' know. I'm ever changing, but I can tell you that when my walk with God is like it should be, I don't doubt who I am as often as when I'm straying from my path with God. Am I woman, hear me roar? Somedays. I'm a woman that loves family and friends. Stress and pressure are an everyday things, so I do my best to go with it instead of against it. I'm loyal. If you bother or hurt one of mine, then most likely you will hear from me. If you mess with me, then I'm not as fierce. I love being a mom. It hasn't been easy for reasons that has defined me, but I won't list them here. That in itself could be a book! I love work! Yes, I love work. Being able to use my mind and skills is a great thing. I love my job and those I work for and with. I love being a woman. I'm a girly girl and love makeup and clothes. Now if my clothes were a much smaller size, I'd be even more happy! As for who I am, all I can say is that I'm a daughter of the King. My Father is Lord, Jesus, Emanuel and lover of my soul. Being a creation of God is wonderfully complex, so I guess I'm not as screwed up as I originally thought. God made me with a brain, passion and desire. I'm a work in progress, that is what I am and that defines me as I change and grow into a woman after God's heart and plans for me.

Thank you God for changing me, allowing trials and tribulations in my life. That has added to my character and my personality. I'm a complex woman, but one that desires to be more like You and with Your loving ways and guidance, I'll always be ever changing.